My Everchanging Plot of Life

I’m fulfilling a promise to play my clarinet at a special service for a friend in about ten days time. Now, I thought all I’d be doing would be playing along with anything the organist told me to.

It transpires I need to choose some real, proper music, and more importantly, fit in some serious, high level practicing between now and then.

More to the point, just what do I play that’s appropriate? It’s a good and joyful occasion!! But, I’ve not played any real clarinet music for other people to listen to for ages and ages. I’ve busked along in church, and occasionally got together with friends, but not for an unknown audience.

Isn’t it a good job I’m giving up work as of tomorrow, and we have an empty room with excellent acoustics for the duration of next week? Until the new carpet goes down.. and this time, we are getting someone else to do it, not me! I’ll’ve worn myself out with the painting and decorating malarkey.

To say nothing of the packing my bags process.

Which began in last night’s tidy up.

In my room…

Oh. There isn’t one.

Bother.

So, if I dump everything on the bed onto the floor, I’ll have to get into excavation mode to find everything that’s underneath.

I’ve lost a work shoe, which I know is in here somewhere, and which I do need to find, as, though I got away with the old pair today, I don’t think I can push my luck for two days.

This calls for the Emergency Measure known as The Box System!

I have four spare boxes, one for admin, one for music and book related gubbins, one for clothes and one for things that don’t come into any of those categories, and everything will get dumped into those, and then dumped behind the curtained off area…

No one but me, and the whole of Blogland, will be aware of what a slob I currently am.

Well, having had a moment of sheer insanity/kind-heartedness this morning, my helper was so worn out by lunch time, she slept all afternoon! Then, after her usual early supper took herself off to bed fairly rapidly. Not sure if it was the unaccustomed physical activity or the completely new activity or the fear I’d get her working again…. so I got a solitary afternoon after all.

The new activity was washing down painted wood, (window frames and skirting boards) prior to the re-painting! But somehow, all her life, she’s managed to avoid any kind of participating in the painting and re-decorating process. Come to think of it, she does her absolute best to dodge out of participating in anything in the way of practical around the house work, be it housework, cooking, or these one-off chores. Apart from gardening, and even getting her to do an hour or so of that a day is a real struggle.

Now, I’m no lover of any of these activities myself, (and I hate gardening with such a loathing, I willingly do numerous other things to allow those who like it to do it!) but I do accept they have to be done.

I’m also beginning to be grateful for an adolescence that had me learning how to do most of those things, much as I hated it at the time.

But, I’m now finished with the decorating for a few days, three days of paid work and a funeral take precedence.

The painting and decorating saga will resume at the weekend. Do try to contain your excitement until then!

I’m off for a well earned bath, and an inspection of my leg bruises. (From leaning against the top step of the step ladder…)

Having grumbled yesterday about people’s “help” with the decorating, and tracked the root cause of my bad mood down to lack of time on my own, after taking myself off for the rest of the evening yesterday, and shutting myself away for the first two hours of today’s work, I found myself repenting of such nastiness, and finding a job to do for someone who was desperate to help!!

Honestly, I’m mad – I know I’ll end up re-doing most of the job. I know I’d be much, much more human for the rest of the week if I could spend the day alone. But, thinking past all of that, it’ll be so much better for her to be feeling useful and needed, rather than sitting in her room on her own feeling neither of those things. And she is someone who is driven by a desperate need to be needed!

But, I may have to suggest gently, that I spend Saturday on my own as much as possible, else the implied possible almighty explosion may well happen!

So – why was I in such a strange mood today?
 
Partly because now I’ve got a date for moving, I now feel really awful. I can feel myself putting up all kinds of mental and emotional barricades to stop myself getting upset, and there’s going to be an almighty explosion if I’m not careful!

Other reasons include

• This will be my last week at work.
• I’m going to a funeral (again!) this week, and this time, it’s someone of whom I was very fond, (feeling was mutual, I’m pleased to say!) and who had been a very significant part of my life for a few years in the early 90s. Kind of a grand-parently figure in my life.
• The painting and decorating is driving me mad… mostly because I can’t get a straight run at it. And because other people will insist on trying to “help”
• My room is an absolute nightmare
• My desk is even worse….

I think I’d better vanish!

Was very interesting. I had no idea what a good view of the park you got from that room!

But, oh boy, do my legs and hands ache after today’s painting and decorating stint! I felt totally justified in packing in before I thought I was going to, mainly before my hands got too sore – I’m playing the piano and possibly the organ for both services at church tomorrow and I won’t be best pleased if I ache too much to do the job well. Especially as Pentecost is one of my favourite Sundays. (I was confirmed at Pentecost! Depending on where I am, I get to sing several of my favourite hymns/songs.)

So, I had a long, hot bath, and am about to lie down, with a good book… I’m having a Harry Potter re-read! Bit sad, but I do it before a new Harry Potter book comes out, and what with everything going on, a bit of gentle comfort re-reading is what’s called for. I’ll save the heavy theological tome for another night!

.. up a ladder, to paint the ceiling!

Just unplugged my CD player so I can take it downstairs to play loud music to encourage me,

and I am dressed in my most fetchingly decrepit clothes... an ancient green rugby shirt, jeans that are older than my GCSE taking nephew, and T-shirts of very disreputable provenance. Oh, and my last pair of trainers but three.

To complete the ensemble, the large floppy sun-hat that graced many a camping expedition in my kind of youth.

Just keep all cameras well away, this is not a sight for public viewing.

I’ve spent the 100 mile car journey home through the pleasant Oxfordshire/Warwickshire/Worcestershire countryside being made to feel I am a bad and inconsiderate driver…

Purely because I stick to speed limits.

Today, I’ve had fists shaken at me, and rude signs. Cars driving up as close as possible and hooting their horns.

I know the limits are often irritating, I was getting a bit peeved with some of them! But they’re as they are for a reason, (I hope!)

I usually enjoy a drive home after a long meeting, but this was not a pleasurable experience for most of the journey.

Thankfully, I had a large bar of chocolate to console my soul.

Is feeling well and truly over-worked at the moment. Good job it’s off for a day’s rest and servicing at the garage next week, because it’s getting much more use than that to which is had become accustomed over the last year or so.

Mostly we use the bus (well, I do!) or walk (I do a reasonable amount of that too) or cycle (I leave that to those who feel that way inclined. It’s not good for my knee, both the doctor and the physiotherapist told me so.) or trains or coaches for longer distances, thereby leaving the car to slumber in the garage, except for the weekly shopping expedition. Or the occasional trip to church if I’m cutting things a bit fine.

Anyway, last weekend I had it with me on the 48 hour trip away exploring the new environment, I’m taking it to Oxford tomorrow, and then it’s getting a trip to Dorset next week, then a longer trip to Somerset. Oh, and a very quick trip to Wiltshire!!

Not content with these more adventurous trips, I’ve had it out three times today!! Once to the bank, once to an illustrious purveyor of all things needful for the Great Re-decorating Adventure, and finally to the local supermarket of choice.

Actually, I think my bank card is pretty exhausted, too!

All things being equal, the re-decorating will commence on Saturday. All the paint’s there, the decorating clothes have been retrieved, the ladders brought up from the basement, and almost all the preparation has been done.

It’s going to be hell on earth once the actual process is underway.

I’ve been clearing up admin stuff to hand over to someone else today, and there are piles of papers and receipts everywhere… somehow, it will all merge together into a coherent whole before I go to bed!

I’ve been delving into the deep mystery of life, known as Under The Bed, to extract a self-inflating sleeping mat.

There is a theory the carpet is green, but I can’t actually see it.

The petty cash box is at it’s lowest trough since the days of my predecessor who was renowned for only topping up the cash box when she thought it absolutely necessary.(About £50 further down the line than the rest of us!) Luckily, everyone is inclined to a little leniency after last night’s relatively justified minor tantrum, and this will be my last time of doing the cash! And I am doing the bank run along with the shopping first thing tomorrow.

I think everything is going back Under The Bed now… maybe I’ll join it all!

But – Blogland is still playing up and I cannot access all my favourite blogs readily. So, to those who think I’ve been away for weeks, it really has only been 48 hours this time as well as five days last week.

Notes galore outside my room about things that have been going on in my absence! Several vital pieces of information to impart back… Including a 99.99% certain and definite moving date.

Very, Very, Very Large Gulp!!! It’s actually about a week sooner than I thought it would be.

And you have no idea how much I’ve got to get through before I can move.

Still, the excellent news is I can stop my boycott of Mars Products and delete the letter I had planned out before I left on Saturday.

I’ve also got three-quarters of the pirate outfit sorted. This is also good news.

Had to resort to Salt and Shake crisps instead.

Which is definitely not sufficient substance for a Lost Plot Quest. But, I can’t be bothered to go downstairs for anything more substantial.

I keep forgetting I’m away again after work tomorrow night. So, in theory, I’m up here sorting myself out for that.

In practice, I’ve been giving myself a stern talking to, and hoping that, after this weekend when several things become clearer, I’ll get my motivation for day to day living back.

I’ve also tidied all my “What ifs” back into their box, having given them a good airing and a sort out. That might help, too.

Time to sleep, I’ll pack in the morning! It’s only two nights, and less than 48 hours.

It’s very sad. Three days ago, a delivery man came to the door, bearing pizzas, and not only were they not for us, and they were sent on their way to the correct address, no-one else would let me have a pizza as I’d already had my tea…they said two generous helpings of macaroni cheese, carrots and broccoli were more than adequate substance to keep me going in the quest of the Lost Plot.

So, every time the doorbell’s gone since, I’ve gone hopefully down-stairs to see if they’ve relented.

Not a hope.

I’ve finally finished the most significant bit of admin work that’s been sitting in my “Work that needs doing but which I’d rather not think about now” box today, but it’s not been without significant interruptions and deviations and detours. I was going great guns at it, and was hopeful of it all being done and dusted before lunch… when the phone went, and bang went my plans for the rest of the morning as I had to take immediate action and phone around lots of more people to pass on the information received!

Then, instead of the planned quick visit to She who is in the Nursing Home, it was a long one as I had to tell her the above information, (someone significant to both of us had died) and then explain the story to the staff. They are so good about these things.

The best bit of the day was my piano pupil! She’s really made lots of progress this last week or so, and her exam pieces are coming on a treat. I’d given her quite a hard time at her last lesson, but she’s taken a lot of it in and translated it from brain to fingers!!

Then I came home to find someone who I’d not seen for years, (and more importantly, who’s name I could not for the life of me remember!) sitting in the sitting room, waiting for someone else who was coming to stay over-night to visit She who is in the Nursing Home!

I was going to go out to church this evening, but somehow, with these unexpected guests, and what have you, it got to past the starting time, and supper seemed a much more sensible plan, especially after we’d had an impromptu meeting to discuss the admin work that’s been done in snatches over the last three weeks. It’s a wonder it had any coherence at all.

So, here I am, with the first opportunity of the day to reflect on all my mixed bag of memories of someone who has, in the past, been one of the most influential people in my world. I will miss him, enormously, but I’m so glad for him that this last stage of his life hasn’t been longer than it has been.

Thankfully, tomorrow is a day off, I don’t have to be up until I’m ready

Most inconsiderate I call it, but it is better than the Meandering Thoughts that have been swirling around the Plot lately.

The Musical Tunes are all those kind of annoyingly catchy ones that take ages to dislodge until the next ones come along… I’ve had about ten in a row!!

The Meandering Thoughts, however, are totally inconsiderate. Just when you think life’s settled down for a bit, you’ve made all the right decisions, you’ve put your hand to the plough, so to speak, your Meandering Thoughts produce something that really pulls the rug out from you mentally.

So, here I’ve been sat (metaphorically speaking) in a completely outraged fashion contemplating a new, internal set of ideas. This was just so not supposed to happen.

Now, I am hopeful it’s just a passing phase. I always get quite unsettled before I move, and de-motivated. Once I’m moved and settled down again, and got my motivation back, I might very well look back and remind myself I was being quite, quite foolish.

But – what if I’m not?

Back to the Musical Tunes!!! It’s better than the very scary “What ifs…”.

You have to be impressed I got home in one piece today. The two mile drive home from work, on the rare occasion I do it, is not normally fraught with danger, other than the other general inherent dangers of driving home from the other side of the city centre. I rarely indulge in this activity, because I normally go to work on the bus, as it’s cheaper, quicker and generally pretty reliable, except when there is an excellent reason to take the car, which today, there most definitely was.

However, after a relatively uneventful day otherwise, (the incident with the car bumper and the pillar, we will draw a discreet veil over, it’s not great, but it could’ve been much worse…) I was half way home when the heavens opened – there was lightning and sleet and torrential rain and flash flooding…. it was a scary fifteen minutes or so, especially with the lack of visibility and the distinct possibility of aqua-planing.

I was more than glad to see home again.

I’m even glad that tomorrow is a chained to the computer day… I could do with a little less excitement. (So, I’m afraid, I’m going to have to be disciplined and avoid Blog Land tomorrow until the work is done.)

Tempting as it was to stay in the North, I was good and got on the train for the six hour journey south early this morning. 

Because  
·         A huge pile of admin work awaits, it’s got to be done, as most of it is late… (Oops – so are my library books! Bother.)
·         my notice has to be worked
·         there are two rooms awaiting re-decorating and I’m not going to be allowed to go until they’re done
·         I need to start thinking about packing up and moving
·         I need to re-assure some people that I survived last week’s emotional crisis! 

Oh, and I was without a computer… so no blogging until I got home! 

It was a great weekend, with some wonderful friends, and with some time not having to be thinking about and for other people.

Amazing what a day away does for perspective!!

I'm away until the beginning of next week, and already feeling loads better about things..

Mind you, a long train journey can often do that for me. (Unless it's one of those horrendous trips which I'm so good at doing...) I'm sure I get my best thinking done on the West Coast Mainline - especially once north of Preston, when the scenery starts getting so good. It's something about being stuck for the duration and making the most of it! Also, being one of the rare people left in the world who does not possess a mobile phone, I'm completely un-get-at-able. It's great.

And it's always a delight to go over the Firth of Forth and the Tay River... the view from the train is fantastic!

So, after all the thinking, all the agonising, and a really good night's sleep, I woke up this morning feeling as if a huge burden had been taken away.

See you all next week....

Well, kind of…

I’m crawling back there soon, though, but am in need of some sympathy…

Some time ago, I felt I had to try and put things right that had gone very wrong. I arranged to meet up with the person concerned today.

I know I’ve done the right thing by trying, and I’ve had the opportunity to explain things from my point of view (which I’ve not had before) and apologised for my part in what went wrong… but, at the end of it all, I feel more much worse about it all again, as I got bombarded with facts, and logic and defensiveness.

I knew all the facts. I knew the logic. That’s why I’ve sat on my feelings about it all… and tried not to mind... I’ve tried to get on with my life, and move on with it.

I guess, once I’ve had a good cry about it all, yet again… that’s all I can now do.

Take a huge breath, know I did my absolute best… but know what happened was wrong and can’t be put right.

And try not to let it get to me anymore.

Follow the reconiliation tag for the first part of this one... I'm sad, because I actually think I've now only made things worse.

because my worst fear about this afternoon was that it would be a waste of time, and I would feel worse about something I had begun to feel better about.

That's exactly what happened.

I've got to do something this afternoon that I really don't want to, but know I've got to...

I'd rather run away and hide...

Oh well, it'll soon be over...

and I’ve just given up, for now!

Three different lawn mowers I can hear buzzing away in the background. And a chain saw. I’ve tried closing the window, and turning the music up, but it’s not helping.

It’s just not conducive to financial deliberations. Still, I’ve got the information together, just need to put it on the form and hope for the best, really.

Better go and answer the call for help from the kitchen… the scales have gone missing! They’re probably in the fridge.

Well, it has been a surprising day….

The cornflakes have not even ventured out of the cupboard, let alone been eaten. The “Let’s ignore this” approach is paying off!

I can play something without music… as long as I’ve got a series of chords in front of me!

I got a spontaneous hug from a most unexpected source… and very, very nice it was too!

I’ve had delightful phone calls from people I’ve not heard from for ages…

Life here has been described, by a visitor, as “normal”… it’s many things, but normal is not a word I’d ever, ever have thought of applying.

Very nice it is, too.

Loud music, good book, favourite food, fresh from a long, relaxing bath and just slumped…

I could do with more days like this!

Funny kind of day, today.

I ended up doing virtually nothing that I’d intended to do, other than two regular commitments, but I did make some important decisions instead, amongst the faffing around with odds and ends and bits and pieces. It feels like I’ve cleared the mental decks to give me some brain room to get on with some other things… budgets, sorting out filing cabinets.

Thanks to those who contributed to the Cornflakes debate of yesterday… you did help me come to a couple of conclusions. I was also very aware as I was writing that the cornflakes were most definitely not the real issue, either for us or the Cornflake Eater. So, I’ve clarified in my mind what some of those were for me, at least.

I’ve also made a very significant change in a crucial area of my life, one in which I’ve been coasting (and shouldn’t have been!) for quite some time, and which had begun to bother me… it’s a scary prospect, because it’s all taking off in a whole set of totally different directions, and ones I never really expected, but it’s also an exciting prospect as well. It certainly feels a very good decision to have made! But it’s also going to mean the end of the road for something else, which is sad, because that’s been a very significant part of the last 15/16 years.

Gulp…….

As you may have guessed, I am rarely stuck for words. I’d regularly drive my mother mad as I generally had to have the last word.

We’re having a little bit of on an-going dispute with the oldest member of the household (almost 80) about what constitutes a balanced diet. In my humble opinion, cornflakes twice a day, (once for breakfast and once for supper,) with a main meal mid-day, seven days a week, does not constitute a nutritionally balanced diet.

So, today, it being my turn to try and get her to eat something else for supper, I foolishly asked what the problem was about preparing something else, and got the following reply.

“I get constipation if I don’t have cornflakes twice a day.”

I was stumped for a suitable response!!!

Eventually, I tried the medical line of –“Your doctor wouldn’t approve.” (The currently well-qualified nurse in the house definitely doesn’t!)

I tried the “You’d tell me off if I ate the same limited things every day.” line – which got me nowhere. She already mightily disapproves of my “faddy-ness” in being a vegetarian, and of my bad habit of foisting more vegetables on her than she wants at a meal.

I know exactly what the problem is – she wants us to prepare every single meal for her. I know if supper was prepared for her, instead of her having to go and get her own, she’d eat what was given her without a murmur. And it’s just not going to happen… we’re here to help her be as independent as possible, not do everything for her.

Instead, I’ve contented myself with telling her I disapprove strongly! And banging my head against a brick wall!!

Nothing like being sent home early from work in a somewhat pathetic state for causing alarm ... I gather I looked sufficiently awful for a couple of people to go and tell my manager that he should send me home.

That’s if sleeping for most of 18 hours didn’t also cause concern… causes me less concern, I’ve been doing the 5/6 hours thing, when I’m really a 7/8 hours a night person. And this is relatively normal when that happens.

Oh, and losing your appetite… I am not renowned for ever having a lack of appetite and this usually causes comments of “Should you see a doctor?”

I’m feeling a bit more OK today, but somewhat lacking in oomph and energy. I got through this morning’s meeting, though, which was a relief and done a whole heap of essential phone calls…

But, I am now slumped here; thinking what I would really like to do is stop the world for a few days.

Still, having shamed my younger colleagues into a sense of civic duty, (well, I tried to, they tell me voting is a waste of time.) I’m about to poddle off to the polling station!

Actually, no I’m not. I’m going to write an e-mail I’ve been putting off doing anything about, then I’m going to vote.

See you later…

It’s just taken 20 minutes to get it to print a single page letter… violence and threats of replacement were resorted to, I’m sorry to have to report.

I know I don’t want to give my notice in, but I didn’t know my computer was going to sulk in sympathy.