My Everchanging Plot of Life

at a door with the full force of my temper behind them will cause the paint to chip. Bother.

I have explained there are some things it's best never to stop me attempting to do, and going to a funeral is one of them. Going to see a dying friend for what will be the last time is another.

I have also explained, when discussing how I go about doing these two things, (which I'd rather not be doing on consecutive days, but have no choice in this matter) I do not need the first priority to be how to do them the cheapest possible way.

Some things are more important.

I am calmer now.

I've cleaned!! I've recycled!! I've gone and fed the cat, and detoured via the supermarket and bought some Unnecessary Items!!! (Most yummy they were, too.)

Oh - I need to reconnect the printer.

And I need to pack an overnight bag.

Then I won't be able to procrastinate any more. I'll have to finish the work for Sunday before I go away tomorrow.

OK, twice since last Friday,

I ventured into town for the next stage in the current long lasting mission - Renovate My Clothing Supplies. No, we are not back to the eternally interesting state of my knickers drawer... we are now in the Once Every Few Years Trauma of New Jeans.

I thought I'd cracked this particular problem, but both shops I'd had success in in the recent past, instead of catering for those of us who want plain, basic, sensible clothes suitable to those of us of maturer years and less than perfect shape, are now catering to those who want fashion items!!

Eee... in this matter I am a completely lost cause. Even my sister gave up on me in this department when she was aged about 8, realising some things are beyond even the most strong-willed of people.

I hate trying to shop via catalogue or on-line as it's so hit and miss as to whether or not I get the right size or not.

I'm now going for a little rest before tackling the next trauma of the day.

why did the urge to move all the furniture in my room decided to hit today, when I'd forgotten a very nice man was going to come and investigate the repairs that need doing to my double glazed window? (and several other repairs...)

More to the point, why did the urge to be so energetic hit the day after I was feeling poorly sick?

Luckily, the urge to do this only lasted long enough to create the space I've been needing and to ditch my rickety computer desk after four years of saying "It'll do" when it so patently wasn't doing the job which I needed it to do! So, I'm now back to working at a large table which means I've got space for computer, books and papers, and not have to inveigle my music stand into an alternative use. (It's pretty useful when I'm copy-typing, though!)

I'm feeling loads better today, and am inclined to the theory I got over-tired. I will take it easier for the rest of the week, promise.

I finally get to Easter Sunday, get though all that has to be done, (remarkably well after only 2 hours sleep) have plans for spending today doing all kinds of things I don’t seem to have had time for for weeks, and what happens?

I go down with the current lurgy in these here parts, spend most of last night dodging between my bed and the bathroom, and most of today curled up in front of the TV replenishing my fluid levels and cuddling a hot water bottle! Still, it means I am now finally caught up with all that I’ve recorded since Christmas….

Feeling slightly more human now, and less washed out. I always think one year it would be really nice to do a “gentle” Holy Week and Easter and not reach this point all zombified, but I do know the one or two times it has happened, it’s felt most peculiar!! But I don’t usually go sick as well as zombified.

I am pedantic about few things; this is one of them. Today is Holy Saturday, not Easter Saturday. Easter Saturday is the Saturday in Easter Week, the Saturday after Easter.

I am about to go shopping on a Saturday. I hate shopping on a Saturday with a perfect hatred.

I will be spending part of the afternoon ironing. I hate ironing with an equally perfect hatred. This is, however, ironing with excellent purpose, so I will be gracious about it and not mutter under my breath the whole time I'm doing it.

I will be arranging flowers. This is just not something any person who knows me well can imagine me doing.

I have an outline for tomorrow's sermon at least ten hours earlier that I thought I would.

I slept for the whole night. Not once did I get up!! Or wake up for a half an hours read.

Be back Sunday or Monday sometime...

Duty calls, and life will be busy!

I have the severe brain ache, the emotion ache, the finger typing ache. The slight back ache (too many hours at the computer) and the life withdrawal symptoms.

I have written over four thousand words in the last three days, and then delivered them as three sermons.

I have two shorter homilies and another longer sermon to do.

Please, could some one remind me, about September time, if I’m asked to do something like this next year, the answer is “No!” And remind me that just because something sounds a long way away, it will creep up on me lots faster than I think it will.

what I intended to tonight after reading numerous friends posts in the last hour or so.

Strongly inclined, however, to go and do what is necessary for me to do instead. Which is tell God exactly what I think of him. I may be a while.

but there's still time for a rethink!!

now indulging myself in a bit of a break before the tea gets cooked. Cheesy pasta of some variation or other, depending on the contents of the fridge... something I'm never sure of these days, since concluding I was fighting a losing battle.

I've even managed to tidy up! It's amazing how cluttered my workspace can get when I'm trying to balance several projects all at once.

More to the point, I've even had a very quick nap.

Tonight's was definitely the toughest. First nights always are, even when you think you know your audience.

I didn't make matters any easier for myself by refusing to avoid the difficult subject matter of betrayal!

Now to start on tomorrow nights, now I've got a better feel for what it is that's required.

Quick skim of the readings.... um, no easier. Loss and death and foolishness. Better see how much I can do before the adrenaline runs out.

I’ve had to come to a difficult decision in the last few hours. It’s been put to several tests, in between writing a sermon on betrayal… (It’s going to be a long week, folks, there’s loss and suffering to come, via the foolishness of God… if I were you I’d opt out of the Plot for a few days if none of this stuff is your thing. I’d opt out if I had a choice!!)

However, I have concluded that playing games via the internet is doing neither me nor my computer any good. Especially my computer – it keeps crashing. Maybe that should be especially me – I keep crashing too, but that’s to do with stuff I’d rather not think about, and have been playing games to avoid thinking.

So, I’ve removed all the links to the games. Except two word games, only because I play other people at those and I have to wait for them to take their turn.… Um, Meno, it was your turn two months ago!!!

I know all you techie types can probably explain things to me, and offer advice. However, it’s really best you don’t. My computer’s absolutely fine for what I really need it for and it’s not most games.

We didn’t get the Wooden Spoon, and we did beat England.

I could’ve spent more than £1.50 on mobile phone calls and texts in the last three weeks. In fact, I’m pleasantly surprised!

I could be needing to spend more time on accounts and admin but I’m almost caught up again.

I can see my bed – I have a habit of piling stuff on it when I’m sorting out, thereby not getting to bed until the job’s done. So the theory goes. Today it worked!

Couldn't summon up any enthusiasm for anything in particular, so did very little. Apart from finally buying a new pair of trousers for work, and a new nightie. I think that really finished off any minor reserves of energy left, as I hate clothes shopping.

So, apart from reading, and the occasional easy meal, and slumping either in front of the computer playing games, or in an easy chair, I did nothing!

Next week will more than make up for it!

Wednesday nights are my own again. It’s been an interesting experience, teaching about prayer and spirituality, but when all’s said and done, it’s not a subject I’m really comfortable teaching.

I’ve survived trial by 50 six year old children interrogating me about my life and work. They know me in one of my guises, as a musician, but don’t often get to see the other reality. Their teachers seemed happy with what I told them!

I’ve got the house to myself, more or less, for the next three days. I can play all my music really loudly and get some of next weeks work done in peace. OK – that’s a contradiction in terms, but I know what I mean.

I’ve gone a whole week without needing to send a text message.

My necessary routines can get back to normal.

I’ve never been moderate in certain matters... I can be incredibly self-disciplined in many areas of life, but I think the wild part of me breaks out in this immoderateness. In particular, I’ve never been good at covering up my likes and dislikes – especially when it comes to people I find difficult to get along with.

This is in particular reference to the current sets of situations when said irritating people are trying to be kind and supportive by asking me loads of questions, with a particularly supposedly sympathetic look on the face – trying to encourage me to talk more (because it’ll be good for me!) and I’m not playing.

I know they are trying to be helpful.

I know I’m not always the easiest person in the world to help. I’m very independent, and prefer to ask for help when I think I need it, not have it foisted upon me. (I am also an expert in the art of understatement.)

I am all too aware they’re giving the kind of support they would like… and it really, really doesn’t work for me. Which they’ve not yet registered, despite me spelling it out in words of one syllable.

I also don’t think I need “help” at the moment, other than that which I’m getting from friends outside the situation, who’ve watched it develop for years, and know when to administer the appropriate kick to stop me getting into a downward spiral of misery!! I also need to talk some things through with the right person, and that’s sorted out and will happen soon.

Time for sleep….

Since I was here properly!! I’ve been popping in and out, but not around much.

Well, real life’s been like that as well. But, as far as I can tell, it’s now settled for a bit.

Sick Parent is now home and learning to cope with the new health regime. (blood sugar tests, insulin, diet…etc.) I shall continue to be supportive from a distance, but frequent visiting has eased off.

Work Load is … about to get very intense! Next week is going to be hectic; it’s been a while since I’ve been involved in a traditional preached Holy Week. Come to that, it’s been a while since I’ve been involved in a more Anglo-Catholic style of Holy Week. All I need now is for the six sermons to materialise. (Um…yes, it’ll be me preaching. It seemed like an interesting idea six months ago…..) So, it’s a good job other bits of work have eased off or are about to finish.

It’s also a good job my verbal abilities have returned to me!! I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever feel like expressing myself in words again, I’d gone into a completely non-verbal world of my own. It’s best I emerge from there, and best I work out what drove me in there…. (ah – let's be truthful here, I do know, but I need to work out how to talk about it!)

for GrumpyBloke and Lindow have vanished from my friends list.

Woe, woe and woe.

I was so convinced Scotland were going to lose the Calcutta Cup this afternoon I didn't watch the first half...

May I be forgiven for my lack of faith!!

But I'm very happy now.

I have sent my first ever text message.

I won't be doing that too often.

It's much too trauma inducing!

Don’t like….

….the sound of someone being too ill for surgery or any other kind of treatment other than palliative for ovarian cancer.

….the hours it’s taking to sort our gurgling pipes and central heating. I’m cold.

….pretending I’m a mature grown up on the outside when I’m really feeling like a badly behaved teenager.

…..what the scales have informed me of after a fortnight of erratic eating on the run.

…..the fact Holy Week starts soon and I’ve not done one bit of preparation for the week’s worth of preaching. (Well, only reading one commentary!)

I still don’t like having a pink phone.

However, I do love…

….and appreciate all the moral support.

….the fact my Wednesday evenings will be returning to normal after next week.

….the way some things never change!!!

….being up to date with the admin and the laundry and having a clean room.

….the amount of solitude I’m going to get over the next few weeks.

Visits to sick parent in the hospital are continuing. Sick Parent is viewing this as the ideal time to inform me loudly of all my iniquities of the last 25 years. (Since I left home, basically.) Apparently, as a good daughter what I should be doing is living in the vicinity, being on call at all times, married, with several children who would be doting grandchildren. I should have a useful job, preferably as an accountant or a lawyer.

Fortunately, I’ve always known I’m a failure as a daughter. I’ve got all my answers off pat – I’ve had plenty of practice. Even he had to admit he’d miscalculated how many times I’d visited in the last 25 years, and it wasn’t just my responsibility to be doing all the keeping in touch.

I’m not feeling inclined to point out more of Sick Parents failings as a parent. I’ve accepted that is the way things are, and he’s not going to change, and neither am I.

It doesn’t mean to say I’m not wiped out emotionally by all of this.