My Everchanging Plot of Life

is a language I somehow seem to be fluent in understanding. If unable to speak it myself.

A pleasant evening out for a celebratory meal included four teenagers in the group... and I only had to ask for interpretation in the little matter of exam subjects! But I enjoyed myself getting to know this little lot better, and they seemed to quite enjoy having this somewhat different adult around.

I knew, however, it would've been prudent to attend to the putting of the clean sheets on my bed before going out. I've got to do it now instead. Mmmm... can I be a real slob and not bother... no, probably not.

But, I don't have to be up quite as early as I usually do on a Sunday, not only is it the First Sunday of the Month and therefore in the nearest church (Only a twenty minute walk, not forty!!) I'm home on my own and can be as last minute about getting up as I like.

but all to no avail.

I think I tried every blog design in the pool, and ended up back where I started.

So, if you were around for the excitement of all the changes, apologies for the visual confusion.

Now for the next confusing activity of the day, an unsupervised shopping trip. Do you think I'll be able to manage?

Since the age of six, I have supported one of the current Premiership Football clubs.

My allegiance has been variable, some seasons it's been rock-solid and I've even made scrapbooks of the newspaper reports of the season (Well, I did when I was about ten...) and known every fact about the play and players. Other years, including recent ones, it's been very nebulous.

But, ask me who I've supported, and it's always been the same answer, up and down the leagues/divisions. I'd get very cross if it was suggested I only supported this team when their fortunes were good.

But - no more. I suddenly discovered I really, really didn't care when they lost a major championship final recently. Nor could I tell you where they finished the season.

However, I can recite the fortunes of our local rugby union and football teams...

Now, I wonder if there's a way of transferring this severance of a long term allegiance to another situation?

Yesterday I discovered that Cheap Day Returns between the city where I currently reside and the city where I used to reside now have afternoon restrictions.

Moreover, having paid the extra very reluctantly, because it was too late to change my plans, I stood most of the way home...

The website where I regular book my advance purchase tickets, now not only charge for use of debit cards, they sent me an e-mail today advertising the savings I could make with the aforementioned train company.

Yes, the Ordinary Day Return is now cheaper than it used to be, it's still more than the Cheap Day Return.

This is all supposed to be simpler.

I'm in a real quandary.

Do I hope and pray the rain is going to continue so I won't need to water the plants that have just been given over into my rather dubious care until Tuesday?

Or...

Given I'd like some summery weather, do I do as I did last time I had specific unwanted, unlooked for plant related responsibilities, and rely on reporting in every day in the hopes one of you will remind me if I've not reported in?

But the pay off is the house to myself for almost six days. Which I've been looking forwards to for weeks, especially as my last two attempts to have some quiet days at home were foiled.

Back-pack is packed for tomorrow's little expedition to the bigger city not so far away, in search of great treasures.

Book tokens have been dug out, shopping list is written. Advance phone calls have been made.

Desk is now clear again. But more by good luck than good management. The diary, however, is not looking so clear from Thursday, and tomorrow is my last chance try and get these particular tasks sorted out.

I'll stay put for a bit after this... I'm not wasting five solitary days at home this time, and I've got plenty to do to keep me well occupied.

Some of today definitely came in that category.

Too many hours on a coach, too many hours of being good, too much in the way of church stuff of a brand I'm not necessarily particularly comfortable with, though some of it I do like.

I knew an alarming number of people present at the event. Most of whom were extremely surprised to see me in that context! Several of whom I've not seen for years, and couldn't identify without some clues... though a hug from a Bishop is a rare occurrence in my life. I didn't know he was now a Bishop!

However, I also had a very long and illuminating conversation with someone who knows me well, and she has confirmed for me some of my thoughts about a number of things. I didn't ask, she volunteered the information.

It does mean I feel considerably better about a number of the small decisions I've made recently.

I also feel loads better about giving up on that within this situation which is really an impossibility. Because it's something I'm never, ever going to manage.

It also means I think the bigger decisions are becoming more inevitable. I feel better about them, too.

Having had nothing resembling a social life for ages, it all happens all at once!!

Today, as well as church twice, I went to a rugby match and a classical music concert. Not all at the same time! Somehow, renaissance and baroque music doesn't quite go with rugby union. Mind you, seeing the Haka done live was great. It wouldn't have gone with baroque vocal music, either. Isn't it a good job I'm very eclectic in my interests!!

The team I was supposed to be supporting lost, but it was still a great game to watch, and I managed to avoid getting hit on the head by a rugby ball a high speed.... which was a real achievement considering where I was sitting. Just over eight thousand people there, and it came within a few inches of me on more than my fair share of occasions.

Tomorrow, I'm off another all day outing. It'll be educational if nothing else. I have the emergency chocolate packed.

Not long home after a great day out with a delightful friend. I'd not been meandering round Cotswold villages for years, but they are still lovely places to go to for mooching.

Have concluded that more days off need to be spent with friends, rather than just curled up in a corner with a book, getting more and more introverted in a not good way.

After all the excitements of the last twenty four hours or so, the van has finally gone back, and a gentle meander home, via a little light shopping was called for!

Now, I can't be described as the world's greatest shopper. I do it because I've got to, and unless it involves bookshops, music shops and CD shops, it's to be undertaken in a manner that is swift and efficient.

So, there was absolutely nothing exciting from the aforementioned types of establishment, I'm afraid. Just everyday stuff, that I'd planned on getting when I was doing the "Bulky and Awkward items from the Supermarket whilst we had a vehicle" shop, but I was thwarted in my plan to do this particular shop on my own. Felt like I was being well and truly supervised, to say nothing of slowed up as everything was scrutinised three times, (but on the couple of occasions I stopped to work out the most cost effective way of getting something....) and especially as I'd been presented with the list of what "we" needed. And was told that there were a couple of items "we" don't need. I did, so they stayed in the trolley.

Not that I bought anything out of the ordinary, or extravagant in this little light shopping trip, (some new tee-shirts, shampoo, conditioner and wet-wipes, since you so kindly asked!) but I was on my own, and enjoying it!!

I do hate shopping with someone who's idea of a good day out is to mooch from town to town and shop to shop and knows the cheapest place for everything. Or would tell me I ought to get this or this as it's better value. I've been shopping for such personal items for years, I know what I want and like!!!

So, an afternoon doing not a lot is most acceptable.

Ooh, I’ve been having fun today. Me and the white van I’ve got for twenty four hours. Beds have moved, and mattresses and sofas and bags and bags of shredded paper.

It’s an interesting exercise driving somewhere you only ever get around by bus or walk or in other people's cars.

It’s also interesting to find out how other people orientate themselves. I wish to state here and now, I know where the supermarkets of my choice are, I don’t need to know about the others. I am certain the other half of my household knows every single supermarket in the city and surrounding area, and the prices of every single item in them.

I’ve also been peace keeper and diplomatic negotiator extraordinaire.

And now, I need a bath.

Cruelty to my poor fingers!

Yesterday's brief exchange of words between me and a lovely, but somewhat pedantic friend, after I'd done a beautiful glissando down the keyboard, completely stunning everyone so no one came in at the right time!

I looked up and asked where they'd all got to.

"You should warn us when you're going to do that!" was the indignant response.
"But it's what the music says...." says I, mildly and calmly!
"Oh, so it does. As you were..!"

And off we went again.

But, I was doing an awful lot of fudging what the music said, (my excuse was I was bashing out the tune for the non music readers...) so tonight was spent in a whirl of 7/8 and 5/4 and lots of flats and sharps and trying desperately to get a proper calypso beat going. Not all at the same time.

I can feel it doing my fingers good!

Such as why the bolshiest choir members are an absolute pain to work with on their territory, yet suddenly turned into happy, amenable, co-operative people on my territory.

Admittedly we were learning something I was incredibly familiar with and they weren't.

Admittedly, I went into incredibly well-organised teacher mode and didn't give anyone a change to do anything than draw necessary breath.

Admittedly, there were a larger number of us than I dreamed would ever do this mad thing we are trying to do and they may be overwhelmed by that.

But, I am still shocked. Delightfully so, but shocked.

There are other mysteries, such as how come it's only taken me 35 minutes to prepare next years budget when it's usually a full day's job at least, why I'm still awake after a long day, why I'm so slow at realising it's going to be so much better all round for me to stop trying to be something I'm not...

And why I'm getting excited at the thought of going to watch 30 men playing with an odd shaped ball at the weekend!!

Don't have to go out for another hour yet. I thought I had to be out by now!!

That's good, because I'm not really very awake, having had a nap when I came home from church, because I didn't sleep much last night. No real reason, just didn't.

There's lots of changes afoot. They don't directly involve me, really, but they will have an impact on some of my life.

I'm sure I ought to be using this unexpected hour to do Useful Things, like finishing off the photocopying, trimming and sellotaping together of various sheets of paper.

But, I'm sure sitting here contemplating life and blogland is better for me than chores.

Here was me thinking I'd picked up a book from the library that would be a relaxing read on a day off, and I spent half the night wondering if the author knew me at all or had been wandering around my head recently!!

Very perturbing that.

Not that the plot mirrored my life - though there were some similar scenarios. No, it was more a couple of the characters seemed to have my decision making process down to a tee, and had similar gut-reactions to events.

Just when I thought I'd done sufficient thinking about Life and the Universe for the time being, I get to do more.

and round and round and round and round my head they go.

All these tunes.

All these lyrics.

In between tunes and lyrics I've had cake and crisps and long phone calls.

I am so not looking forwards to having to be nice and polite all day tomorrow.

Just how much fun a good musical get together could be!!

A group of 10/15 people just singing through something for the sheer fun of it, and thoroughly enjoying themselves. No nastiness, no belligerence, no "We've always sung it this way", nothing but sheer good-natured banter... We did have some serious discussion about how we wanted to do it, we did have some pedantic moments, but they were amicably solved.

We have got a serious purpose to this short project, and it will be done as best we can in the five practices we've got, so it won't be perfect, but it will be good enough! And, if the person who's birthday surprise this is going to be enjoys it, we will be satisfied.

However, if tonight's anything to go by we're going to have a great time doing it, regardless of the outcome.

My fingers are certainly going to appreciate a really good pianistic work out... and more to the point, I can sing along as well. Well, mostly. Just don't expect me to remember all the colours.

Only administrative and domestic ones...

Small jobs that had been piling up for a week or so now, which had suddenly took on the appearance of monstrous beings, unless I dealt with them. Now. This minute.

So I did.

Which means, that's the banking done, my laundry all neatly put away, the letters written, the e-mails answered and sorted, the budget form ready for filling tomorrow before I toddle off out, the flower money balanced, the mugs and plates from downstairs that have somehow meandered upstairs (can't think how) are ready for returning, the printing out done, and the keyboard packed ready for transporting.

Just the bank to go to, the photocopying to do, the train tickets to collect, the charity shops to be visited and donated to, the van to book and my sanity to be restored.

Sunday's sermon is ready. In 15 minutes.

I cheated. It's one I used before... which this congregation haven't heard.

It's Trinity Sunday this coming Sunday. I'm going to need every ounce of brain not to get myself in a muddle over the complexities of the doctrine anyway!

Now, I'm not in the best position to talk, really. Positive thought and action hasn't exactly been my modus operandi for some days now.

But, in between the occasional bout of sheer misery and negativity, overall, I reckon I'm reasonably positive, and will try to see the other points of view available.

However, tonight's meeting had me musing that even at my absolute worst, I'm one heck of a lot more able to see the positive possibilities in a bad situation than most of those I was with...

Tonight's really great moment, though, happened before the meeting. Watching the look of sheer delight on a 17 year's face, as I played him sections of a Beethoven Piano Sonata to illustrate what I was teaching him about pedalling. He's not your traditional beginner pianist, and classical music is new to him, but he can't get enough of it, either playing or listening. It's just so much fun teaching someone who is so keen to learn, and enjoys it so much. It made up for the rest of the evening in bucket loads...

Honestly.

I really am!!

Of course, at my relatively mature age, you'd've thought I'd've realised some of this before now, but obviously not.

Anyway, it makes more sense now.

Life's looking a lot better than it did this time last week.

Still got some horribly difficult decisions to make, but I've made some of the easier ones that make the difficult ones more possible.

There might be some people who think me being me is causing difficulties and problems, and that may well be so, but there are a heck of a lot more people who kind of like me the way I am. And they're the ones that matter to me much more.

So, today, I'm liking me quite a bit more than I have been for a while!!

Even fifty miles away... Someone who knows me spotting me.

Time to find new places to go to, methinks.

In desperation, I escaped for an hour or so this afternoon. I’d worked extremely hard at not doing much in the way of anything constructive, and needed to get out of this confined space.

I did the two jobs I went out to do, and decided to have a coffee break before venturing home… so I settled down in the coffee shop I’ve taken to frequenting on these rare occasions with a large mug of coffee and some cheesecake. I thought I’d found a relatively secluded place, as I’d never been spotted before, but today I’d obviously failed completely. Three lots of people saw me, and decided they had to come and say “Hello” and to tell me what they were going to phone me about later.

I’m sure I was giving out “Go away and leave me in peace” vibes in bucket loads, but they weren’t working.

Far too much squinting at computers and books, especially indices.. don't think I'm at all prepared for tomorrow, and will just have to wing it.

Makes a change from the last two days of watery eyes, which seem to have dried up, at least.

Thank you for all the support the last couple of days. I'm still pretty stunned and very bothered by it all. But, I've begun functioning again, even if what I really want to do is pack my bags and vanish into the wide blue yonder.

Being in trouble for doing the job you’ve been asked to do too well. Because it’s probably making someone else look and feel bad. It’s worse when you know you’ve spent ages doing your best to try to avoid that.

Feeling like the child who had to hide how well she could read, how easy some things were and who had to pretend she hadn’t learnt how to play an instrument without any lessons – which her mother had, and the child was better.

Feeling that, yet again, everyone else would be so much better off if she just vanished.

Feeling sick inside that it’s all her own fault and she’s just going to have to carry on pretending everything’s OK when it isn’t.

My area - now on flood alert.

Just peeked in the bin, and I think there's about 27 used hankies.

Methinks there's more to come.

Technically, though, I'm still behaving.

For the next few days, I need to be on my Best Behaviour.

The inevitable reaction of Worst Behaviour will kick in from Tuesday, but hopefully, won't last long.

Friday is likely to induce relatively good behaviour for most of the day, until the journey home.

Saturday.... well, it's not looking good!

What is this strange phenomenon? I don’t have any piles of papers else where to be dealt with, the folders are all away in their correct places, there are no “To Do” Lists lurking. Well, I do, but they are next week’s “to do” lists and not at all relevant to today.

It could be that I’ve been thinking, and in the midst of the thinking have just got on with getting things tidied away!

Or that it was all a preferable option to a Saturday afternoon supermarket trip… I will go soon, but I want to do this before I lose the thread of what I’ve been thinking about.

I have been thinking about how bored I am with life in general, though, and what to do about it. I could and do create loads of small projects for myself to be busy with, and it all looks very good. I’m well aware when I have to do my annual conversation with the person I have to report back to about life I can make it all sound right. After nearly a year here, it’s all looking great and sounding quite impressive.

But, there is an underlying malaise that I’ve not been able to shake off for months and months now, and it’s not getting any better. It feels like I’ve gone back to being the 7 year old who was perpetually complaining of being bored…and learnt not to because all that happened was an exasperated “Well, find something to do!!” I’ve found plenty to do… I’m still bored. I also feel like I’m acting like one of the bright kids in the class who drives the teacher demented because they are doing just enough to get by, and not what they are capable of achieving. Thereby getting into a significant amount of mischief to allay the boredom.

It’s been bothering me that I can no longer identify what it is I should be achieving, and I’m no longer content to see what life turns up with…. It’s been bothering me that I’m recycling everything about my life…absolutely everything is a repeat of what I’ve done elsewhere. I’m doing nothing new and challenging and haven’t for months now.

Hmmmm… better go and do the shopping, or I will be challenged by what happens when dinner doesn’t appear on the table…

Back later.

Opened mouth before engaging brain...

Made a lot of people admit that, whilst I'd made them squirm, I was absolutely right!

It's all very well talking about encouraging people to come to an event using public transport, as long as the public transport actually exists on a Sunday.

And yes, I was the only one in the room speaking from the bitter experience of trying to travel on a bus in this city on a Sunday.