My Everchanging Plot of Life

I think all thought of self-discipline and settling back into routines will have to wait until I return from holiday..

Self-discipline? Mostly to do with the time of night I often work. It's an interesting conundrum, and I do seem to be turning into my father's daughter well and truly in this matter. He often worked on paperwork well into the small hours of the morning, claiming it was the only time he got peace, and I'm beginning to understand where he's coming from.

Tonight, though, I've not been working. I've been pondering several things... and reading some new-to-me blogs.

There are changes afoot in some areas of life. I think, on the whole, I'm looking forwards to them. I prefer my good friends to be friends, and not work colleagues, and whilst this has, on the whole, worked well, the cost to both of us has been high. This isn't to say I don't like to be friendly with work colleagues, because I do, but this is the first time I've ever had to work in a professional capacity with someone who is a close friend, and had been for a number of years prior to this.

I'm also aware that this will also alter some dynamics in other areas of life, and I'm not sure if that will help or hinder at the moment.

Best go and put everything I need for tomorrow together.... it's going to be a long, long day.

I'm willing to be amenable and compromise over many things church wise. I'm secure enough with what helps me, and what helps other people, not being the same thing, and secure enough not to need church to be exactly how I would like it!! (Oh, if only... ) Mostly, I'm happy enough with where I go to church regularly, even though I wouldn't choose to if I had a free choice. Which I currently don't.

I'm willing to be professional.

But, I'm not willing to put myself through this next year.

I hated it last year, I didn't do much better this year.

I shall be reverting to former custom of trying to avoid church on 15th August.

I apologise profusely to those of my friends of a more Catholic/Anglo-Catholic disposition. But, after many, many years of trying to be comfortable with Anglo-Catholicism, it's not where I'm "at home" in church terms, and it's no use pretending about it any more.

I'm also sickened by several things that went on at church this evening, and if I didn't have to be at church on Sunday, I'd be going elsewhere. Or having the day off.

I believe the men are returning to take up more floor boards and run more cables all over the place, and the scaffolding men have more to do as well.

My share of said chaos will include more piano practice and, joy of joys, a singer with a very loud voice!!

This evening's chaos will be traffic related - I have to go to church, and as I was reminded, it's a day when some of the local roads grind to a halt with festivities going on.

I may be best not opening my mouth at all today, words are emerging all wrongly and brain really is not engaged. Long phone call with best friend last night confirmed this... I'm going to stay with her next week, and I'm trying out the bus route from the train station to save her some time. It's only a couple of miles from the bus stop, but ten miles into town. Why she is now living is such a remote place is beyond me, especially as for the last ten years all I've had to do is walk several hundred yards from the station to her house, but there we have it.

After the confusion about whether I had her "new" number or not, she ended the conversation with "Go to bed, now!"

I meekly obeyed.

It's no use!! Here was me trying my best to have a good tantrumy sulk  think of deep and meaningful thoughts in peace, during what is supposed to be the quiet time of the year, (to say nothing of silly season) and what happens?

• I'm surrounded by lots of noisy work men. One lot are moving carpets and digging up floor boards, one lot are still working on the scaffolding... (I do live in a very big house!)

• I have the other half of the household trying to tell them how to do their jobs... I have a list of people now who've complained to me about this! I smile sweetly, say "No use telling me, tell her, I only live with it!"

• I still have accounts to finish...

And, um, I missed writing here. I know I could've carried on writing in my journal, but it wasn't the same. I'm just going to have to admit to being hopelessly addicted to blogging.

I think I'm also going to have to admit to myself that eating badly when hormones are rampaging has a terrible effect on my equilibrium, and from henceforth, I need to do what I need to do and ignore all comments. Line of least resistance is not working!

Now, shall I abandon the accounts for the working day and toddle off into the delights of the local metropolis ? Because it's become increasingly evident, in the course of writing this it's not going to be a quiet day.

Or.... shall I exact revenge and go and practice the piano? Loudly.

for the foreseeable future....

I will be back, just don't know when.

I had a rare hour or two of TV watching this morning! There is a fairly widespread theory that I don't watch TV, which isn't completely true, it's just a little indulged in activity these days. I've never watched it a lot, but from time to time, a slump on the sofa whilst munching breakfast or lunch does happen, and a little channel hopping indulged in. During the course of a meal out a couple of weeks ago, I was very out of a lot of the conversation because I watch so little these days. In fact my best contribution was to the Countdown part of the discussion, because I could admit I've once or twice solved the numbers game when Carol had to go away and think about it!

Anyway, today I found myself watching an old episode of "The Professionals" and being taken back to my teenage years, those days before recording devices and multi channels, when this was the highlight of my week. Which I'd forgotten about - I'd remembered other things I used to hurtle home from music lessons for, but not this.

I now have my answer to the teenagers as to which men I used to really like when I was their age! And I still like him now, so he's obviously worn well. Definitely got a better hair cut in his more mature years.

though it's pretty grey looking outside now!

I had two delightful young men offer to dismantle the gazebo and pack away at the end of the day. I didn't even look (too) tired and pathetic. But, it had been a long day, so I gratefully accepted. I also gratefully did as I was told, and not help with the end of event litter pick!! Even though the reward of a bag of crisps for a full bin-liner of rubbish was very, very tempting.

It's been a good day on the possible more paid work front. Two conversations with potential new pupils were very promising.

Tomorrow is a nothing day....

Today is normally my Day Off Day.

As has been the case for the last three Fridays, this just hasn't happened. As has been the case for a good number of Fridays. I think that from November, when the Monday activity I'm committed to is ended, I'm going to switch to Monday as a Day Off day.

However, today, since I've got Day Off mode on me, even though it's not really until tomorrow, I'm delaying going and building a gazebo, practising a vocal duet (Rossini, no less - Duetto Buffo di Due Gatti ), getting dressed. I am bathed and clothes are ready to wear, though.

I don't want to spend all day being sociable. Hey ho.

Because it's done a serious bunk from around these here parts!

Can't decide if it's still tiredness of all varieties from last week, hormones about to rampage, a distinct unwillingness to go and do some of the chores I hate most, (how come when I'm home alone I get to do the plant watering, but when I'm away no-one thinks the floors might need hoovering/washing - delete as appropriate? I digress...) or a combination of all of the above and more.

I last felt this bone tired and unwilling to do anything about 12 years ago, and as a result ended up sleeping for four days. Almost literally, it was certainly about 60 hours sleep in four days, and an 18 hour sleep to start it! I'm told I couldn't be woken properly on the first day, but I made sufficient noises to make those checking on me think I was still alive and best left alone! Now, I don't particularly want a repeat performance of this, so it might be best if I don't force my get up and go to come back at more speed than it wants to... but just enough until Saturday would be good.

Just had incredibly long conversation with one of the very sensible people in my world, who has reminded me of several salient facts!!

One of which is how he's observed me make decisions before. I think and talk with those I trust and pray and mull everything over, then when I know the time is right, I will do what I need to do without any hesitation. It might look as if it's a decision coming from absolutely nowhere, but it won't be.

He also reminded me where my friends are!!

He also reminded me if I'm going on holiday in 12 days time, I really needed to stop talking to him and get on with some work... and let him get on with his!!

I did get on with some work as well, honest!

There's an interesting question.

I wish I could learn to respond better to people who I know mean well, but only come across to me as patronising and nagging.

I wish I could learn to just say "yes, thank you" when I'm asked if I've had a relaxing break, rather than my hackles rising because I know full well all I'm fit for is a week's sleep after ten days hard slog.

I wish I could learn to avoid the well-meaning queries about holidays...

But, but, but

I really wish some people would just mind their own business and leave me, and those who I trust (who've already given me the third degree over my plans to relax and take a break in the next few weeks), to mind mine.

That would be the unpacking chaos.

I spent this morning sighing deeply and dealing with the packing chaos. Then I did the hour and a bit journey home,(walk and bus and train and bus and walk) and after catching up with phone calls and e-mails have embarked on the unpacking chaos.

Points to note are...

• Getting a return fare on the train before 9.30 in the morning is going to become impossible. I was seriously outraged to discover this ten days ago, as I thought I'd be paying about £15.00 for a return fare - and found out I'd have to pay £11.20 for a single, for the "privilege" of travelling at the time I had to. I waited until after 9.30 to return today, inconvenient as it was.
• I need a holiday. (Only 13 days to go!!)
• I don't like wearing red. But lots of people think it suits me.
• My new reading/praying/thinking routines are definitely better for me - I'm all out of kilter with myself now they've been disrupted.
• I'd like to learn to sing properly.
• I'd forgotten I occasionally need to go and sit on the top of a hill and watch the world go by!
• I think I've made the decisions I've needed to make. It's going to cause more chaos. It feels right, though.