My Everchanging Plot of Life

I am the proud owner of a neatly sorted out sock drawer.

There are no odd socks in my life.

I did have a clear out of manky socks, but they all went to their doom in pairs.

I've even been under the bed, into the far recesses of the wardrobe, behind the desk, and double checked in the rucksack, the washing machine and the airing cupboard, just to be sure.

I'm going to need Monday's Bank Holiday to recover.

I have a free morning, and no commenting in BCUK-land.

I'm just going to have to go and get on with the cleaning, and the accounts.

Pah.

Good luck to the lovely techie-types sorting it out!! Chocolate, coffee, cake, or other goodies, all available on demand to help with the mission.

See you later.

decided that funerals for teenagers are possibly the hardest to go to and get through. I haven't been to any this week, but after hearing about today's, and listening to the plans for Friday's, as well as some very real concerns about younger teenagers going to the funeral of a school friend without a responsible adult with them, this is my conclusion.

realised that I seem totally unable to work at home any more, and have made plans for taking the work I do from home elsewhere to get on with it.

freaked my sister out, once again, by knowing the vicar of yet another of the churches local to her! (She's not a church goer.) I don't think I'd better tell her it's a rare week for me not to know someone in the Church Times Appointments, Resignations, Retirements, Deaths announcements.

sorted one lot of accounts, and have the way clear to sort the next lot.

started waking up at sunrise!! More scarily, wanting to get up at sunrise. I'm a nocturnal creature, how can it be that I'm changing into an early morning soul.

This week should be a normal week....

Yes, I know there is no such thing as a "normal" week in my life. But, as it currently stands, with the exception of a little bit of unexpected baby sitting tomorrow, it really does seem as if it's a week where everything is going to happen at the usual time, and on the usual days.

So, this morning, I did battle with the life cycle of a plant, ratios, and comprehension work, I think I remembered most things, but I never was good with plants, so had to own up to knowing very little other than buttercups and daisies. To the shock of those present at this admission. "But, you know everything, that's why we ask you when we're stuck!" Um, it might look it, but what's much more likely is I come home after these sessions, and look up all the information I need before going in the next time.

Then, I have a musical problem. I may be forced, for the first time in my life, to go on strike as an organist. Or at least, remind everyone I have the power to turn the organ up very, very loud indeed, and drown out those trying to force the pace. It's not as if I'm a slow player, but I will not ruin this particular short piece (which we sing three times) by getting faster and faster, just because two people think it should speed up with each repetition. People also need time to catch their breath... well, I think so. I was singing it, as well as playing, and I needed to breathe between reptitions, not shoot on and get faster. I did stick to my guns yesterday and played at the speed I set, which wasn't slow, and it was an unholy mess. The other organist has threatened to play a note to start it off, and just let them all get on with it!

Now, back to the accounts, which somehow got well out of hand in my absence. Pah.

the server is down, and the spreadsheets I desperately need are trapped in them! Woe, woe, woe.

I think I need another few days away! I's tired.

But, then, I've failed to have my customary weekly lie for about two months now. I's not surprised I's tired.

So... to compensate, I'm off to bed early in the hopes that Rest of Household keeps to customary routine of wilting by 9.00 p.m.

Blimey... I knew I'd come back to a whole pile of stuff to do, I wasn't expecting all that as well, jumping up and screaming and demanding attention.

Anyway, the work is now in an orderly queue, to be dealt with over the next few days or so in a seemly fashion.

The stuff I can't do anything about will just have to wait until I hear more, and can decide if I'm needed elsewhere for a day or so... and if I'm needed off I will go.

However, all those who are demanding more than they are going to get, are just being ignored right now. I do understand why I'm being pressured, but I can't make it all better or sort it now, and can't for a few weeks.

Coffee time... my brain aches already and it's not breakfast time yet.

The phone hasn't stopped going all evening and the emails have been piling up. It's what happens when I go completely incommunicado for ten whole days, then do a detour on the way home and stay away for another day.

Anyway, there's still lots of yummy chocolate cake going! And beverages of choice.... I've even got two boxes of chocolates for sharing.

So, what have I been up to? Lots. But all in silence, and in a retreat house! Doing some major thinking and praying, relaxing and sleeping, and enjoying being myself in some very fun ways. A bit of talking every day with someone who is trained in retreat guidance work, and who was very helpful. came to some interesting decisions and conclusions, and re-affirming of things I'd always known, but hadn't always acted on.

Came back to some not such good stuff to deal with, but with far more life and energy than I've had for a very long time. I might just get through the next bit of time in one piece, after all!

before turning a few cartwheels, then dispensing some hugs, and coffee/cake/chocolate. Mega yummy chocolate cake if you're interested...

I'm home again.... just off to put the washing in, back later to see what's been going on in my absence.

... see you all some time in the middle of next week.

I decided to leave the knitting at home, and take the kite instead. It has still never had an outing... I'd forgotten I got it the year of the Cream Fiasco, which I'd related over the meal we had with some local friends today,

I've somehow got it all in one rucksack and my everyday backpack.

I've made it... almost.

Two hours of church done, rewarded by mega cooked veggie breakfast, and off for round two any minute now.

I'm not feeling particularly festive, yet, and maybe won't for a bit to come, but years of experience means I can pull out all the stops (literally! I was the organist this morning and it's the one morning where I can be as noisy as I like and no one will stop me) and make it work for other people, even if all I want to do is crawl back under the duvet.

This evening, as a treat, I was taken to see a professional Rugby Game(Heineken Cup Quarter Final... local team were playing). Now, I'm a bit of a nationalist rugby supporter, and inclined only to take notice during the Six Nations, which is generally very penitential, seeing as I support Scotland. But, I do appreciate a fair number of the finer points of a good match, so an occasional game is a very acceptable way to spend some time. (And, um, there are generally some fine views to appreciate as well, and are better appreciated live than on TV... but I digress.)

Now, I have to say, I think the first half was somewhat boring. I did find myself mentally wandering off and thinking various other things, until the delightful couple behind me who were giving a running commentary occasionally alerted me to the fact something other than an injury stop was going on.

The second half was more interesting altogether, and it was looking as if, for the first time in my life, a draw was on the cards.

Until a last minute try by the home team. Literally last minute. 79 minutes had gone by on the clock, and it stops at 80 minutes. It's really, really not good for my blood pressure, especially when I've got to be up and ready to go out at 4.45 a.m. tomorrow morning. How am I supposed to be relaxed and ready for bed by 10, which was my aim tonight, after that level of excitement?

I do have to say, the team that lost played better. But, I was surrounded by thousands of home supporters, it behoved me to support the home team.

I can see I'm going to have to take an interest in the semi finals now to see who wins.

Oh heck. There's trouble brewing. I can tell.

I've slept most of the day, and it feels like I'm going to sleep all night with no bother.

Except, I should've been somewhere else for most of the day. I'd already wimped out of the first bit, as it involved a lot of standing around for a couple of hours, and probably being rained on. I didn't mean to miss church in the afternoon, though.

Once I'm back, a trip to the doctor's is definitely in order. And you all have my permission to nag me until I've reported back that I have been (After 25th, though). I can't be losing two days every month like this, now it's begun to be every month, rather than once or twice a year. Painkillers of choice have ceased to work, and all that helps is sleep, hot-water bottles and staying still and warm.

Still, better today than Easter Morning when I've got to be in church by 5.00 a.m., ready to play the organ for a two hour service, and back again for 10.00 a.m. and much better than Monday, when I'll be lugging a full rucksack around. Fortunately, most of the journey will be by car, and I'm only doing the first little bit by train, to get to a convenient pick up point.

I'm not entirely convinced I'll make it to joyful Easter mode, though. Some years, and this is one of them, I get stuck somewhere in the run up to the resurrection, and I do have a feeling I'm still in the Garden of Gethsemane from last night. I also seem to have been there for a very long time....

However, I will expand a little on the last post, as even I think I'll read it a few weeks time and wonder what on earth I was going on about this time!!

I am amazed at how quickly this past year has gone by, since a good friend died. It doesn't seem that long ago, and it did take me by surprise over the weekend as I mentally relived the last day I spent with her (which was the day she died).

A year that will be starting in the not too distant future also has the potential to go by very quickly, especially as I see reason to hope it's all going to turn out better than I thought it might, after a long, long haul of thinking I had no cause to hope it could. (That's still pretty cryptic... sorry!) That's including the situation I shall be leaving behind, and whatever I find myself doing next.

And somehow, despite the fact I've been appallingly bad at keeping in touch with almost all of my friends lately, the levels of moral support are huge.

I can be so incredibly dense!

Anyway, Monday's full-on idiotic behaviour had been noted, (I thought it might not have been!) and has been thoroughly apologised for.

I am definitely not misreading a situation that has the potential to be very interesting indeed.

I'm not misreading another situation, either.

Or a third.

A year can go by very fast.

and we might all get very wet!

However, most of those who were confused by my cheerful reminder e-mail awaiting them this morning are now unconfused. I'm marginally confused that I really was so efficient at the last meeting, I did e-mail minutes/information to those who were unable to make the meeting within the hour of the meeting ending. Something I usually aspire to, but rarely achieve. I do believe I was so utterly appalled at what I learnt in the course of that meeting, that it inspired me to previously unheard of standards of efficiency!

I also cleared out and cleaned my everyday backpack and work bags yesterday. One bag per establishment I work in on a weekly basis. Well, excavated their depths might be a better description. After the Forgetting of the Keys episode last week, as well as realising things I thought were in my backpack were not, that things I'd thought I'd misplaced weeks ago actually were in my main work bag, so subsequently 90% of the chaos that the Forgetting of the Keys episode created could have been avoided if I'd realised I really did have all the information on me, this was an essential activity.

So, I think I'm ready to go off and do a different lot of excavating in the depths. It has been so much murkier down there than I thought it was, and way too much organised on a superficial level, trying desperately to hide a lot of the worst of the murkiness. This time, just sitting on the top of the steps, glaring at it all, and kicking my heels isn't going to help.

Chips for tea, methinks.

Yesterday, apart from the momentous decision, and the hanging around waiting for phone calls to be returned, I did a little sorting and cleaning.

I had been braced for a long day at the cleaning of my room, I've not done much lately. Lots in the rest of the house, but my own room tends to be last to be done. Surprisingly, it somehow didn't take long at all... though, I have still to tackle the bookshelves (the shelves are very deep ones, and all the books need dusting, too, as well as the space behind them) and Under The Bed, and On Top of the Wardrobe. If my equilibrium is properly restored by tomorrow's day out, then I'll do it all whist I'm having a quiet day on Friday.

Unlike last year, I have virtually no church responsibilities during this years Holy Week, and I'm not actually feeling obliged to be at all that's on offer unless I've got to be there. Which, after what's felt like a very long haul since Christmas, is no bad thing.

It has also occurred to me, and I've just checked with a calendar, that 1998's Easter Day was also 12th April. Mmmm... that was an interesting week, that year!

Now, if I'm to manage to be lucid, and coherent tomorrow, sleep is essential.

Good-night.

Then, I will begin.

Once upon a time, about a month ago, a Lost Soul of the Plot that was getting more and more Lost went mostly AWOL.

Life was getting too complicated, and there were several lots of reactions. There were the very vocal, who knew about the complications, all of whom seemed to have a theory to share about it, and the poor Lost Soul was compelled to listen to most of them. There were Others who've kept a very safe distance, because "It's all something you've got to work out by yourself, and not be influenced by us." There are Others who can't get their heads around it all, and the Lost Soul was spending hours reassuring them it would be all right. There are the vast majority who know nothing, and will know nothing for another few weeks to come. There will be the proverbial stuff doing some fan hitting. It's not going to be good.

The Lost Soul, who was trying to hold it all together, on an even keel, and desperately trying to keep everything from imploding, suddenly sat there and thought. "Enough."

And shut down. There and then.

Mentally and emotionally. Wrote a note, and slipped out of the room. (Um, lots of notes really, because lots of rooms were left, the current blog, the lesser known blog, (shhhh... don't tell Rampie!) the work places where work was done, but little engagement with human beings took place, church, phone conversations, e-mail conversations, Facebook...) Oh, the Lost Soul kept reappearing often enough to prevent too much anxiety, but only when it felt safe, and never for long.

It could have been done differently. The Lost Soul has been known to literally go missing for some days, but hasn't tried that one for a long time now. These days, the Lost Soul is much, much more subtle.

Asking for Plan B to be put into action was the next idea. But, the Lost Soul was determined, having got this far, that seeing this through was going to happen, come what may.

Several Sub-Plots also imploded. Some with spectacularly bad timing, some expected, some oh so definitely not.

For several weeks, the Lost Soul was very lost, nothing helped, nothing worked, no-one was getting through... and there were serious attempts. Except, the main Would-be Rescuer had no clue as to how determined the Lost Soul was to stay lost at that point. It hurt so much less than feeling anything, than being around other people, and the Lost Soul is an expert at looking as if All is Well, and also an expert at looking as if listening skills are being applied, and letting it all pass by.

Somehow, in the course of today, it felt a little bit safer to come out. A tentative attempt at asking for what is really needed was responded to. The horridness of one final discussion has receded a little.

So, the Lost Soul is not so lost, for now. Somehow, in the long, long hours of isolation, some strength has been regained, and some sense of purpose regathered. Regaining trust where it's been lost is going to take longer, regaining a proper sense of self again is going to be a slow process too, and a deep sense of general Lost-ness will prevail for a while.

But, one day, and maybe one day sooner than the Lost Soul thought, the Plot will no longer be a Lost One.

This self-imposed non-blogging period has only been detrimental, rather than helpful. All that's happened is I've bottled everything up and let emotional pressure build up unnecessarily. And today's idiotic behaviour has just proved it conclusively!

Life may not be pleasant at the moment, but it does have an end in sight, and some of it I can't do a thing about, so why I'm fretting over stuff that ultimately will be none of my business soon, is beyond me.

So, I'm lifting the restrictions I've placed on myself!!

You may well be sorry....